My Depression

Have you ever felt so alone, so..inside yourself, that you literally feel like nothing? Nothing more than a sack of bones and meat and shit that just uses up oxygen. You feel empty inside too. So empty, and yet so much pain. All this jealousy and rage that you know is unwarranted so you do nothing about it. You cry a lot. Usually at night, when the rest of the world is shut off, sleeping. The telly can't drown out the voices in your head that say you're worthless. Alcohol, drugs, it can sedate them for a while, but they always come back stronger, telling you how fucked up you are. It's usually the voices of people who are close to you; your mom or dad, a coach or teacher. Someone who you hate to disappoint. Yes, at night is when it's the worst. There's not a whole lot of people you can talk to. Not like they'd understand anyways. "Oh, quit throwing yourself pity parties," or "oh, you're just being dramatic," or my favorite "you don't really feel that way." I know how I feel, dammit. I know. Putting on a brave face. It's hard to do sometimes. Pretending all the time to be something you're not, all the time. It's an ache inside. I look for things to celebrate. Today I saw a humming bird eating out of the humming bird feeder, and I thought about how beautiful it was. Then I thought about how short it's life span was. How it was going to die soon anyways. And I can't stop the thoughts. I can't turn them on and off. They just come to me, whispering in my ear. And I'm tired of sitting here, telling no one. Oh sure, there's some people I can talk to, but all they offer is sympathy or useless advice. I don't want sympathy. I want understanding. When you're only hope left is faith. You feel like you've been hollowed out inside. There's nothing left. You don't want to eat. Sometimes you don't want to sleep. Sometimes you can't do either. This is not all of me. Just part of me. But it's a part that hurts so desperately.